Letting Go

www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBE5os…

Nothing really to see here! Just the rantings of a lost soul! More of a letter to a friend sort of thing!


Letting Go

An impossible thing to do Baby Girl! I'm trying to figure out how to live without you Sweetheart but I find so very little reason to go on! I can't even find any comfort in thinking we'll be together again someday! I know God has called you home and at least you'll be seeing Grama when she's had enough of this life, but there's little to no chance of me being there with you Darlin! This heartache will only be compounded every day forever more! I told you I'd have to leave this world first as staying here without you doesn't seem possible! I'm so lost Sweetheart! I wanna die so bad I can taste it! Knowing now that God's love was never meant for me has made a bigger difference in my life than anything else that's happened before it! What an crushing but freeing feeling to know Heaven isn't for me! No more struggling with right/wrong, no more rules and regulations, no more guilt trips when you couldn't save a critter, no more praying, no more wondering if He'll accept me or not, and no more wondering if he has forsaken me or why! I'm nothing more than tinder for the fire pit of eternity and all the hours and minutes of my life are nothing more than dust in the wind! When ya have nothing left to lose and there's nothing really to gain, the world becomes a much different place!

I herd you crying at my door the other night like you have for the past 11 years, to take me to one of your special places to love you up! In what made the blink of an eye seem like a long time, I was so elated and overwhelmed with joy to think for an instant I'd get to be with you again! And then I remembered! From elation to despair in the blink of an eye! At first I thought God was rubbing what he'd done in my face, salt in the wounds so to speak, but then i realized it was just you letting me know your here with me at least in spirit!

I'm sorry for not showing a picture of you Sweetheart but they're way to hard to look at just now! You know I visit your grave everyday (sometimes many) to visit with ya! I'm sorry also I never stay for very long though. It seems I get so chocked up and can't breathe and have to walk away! I hope that gets better soon so I can spend more time with ya!

Thank you Baby Girl for allowing me to be one of only two people in this world you trusted! Your love was the best part of my life! My only real hope now is that maybe in hell, they'll let me keep the memories of you!


11/6/15

       

I constantly look for ya Sweetheart! I guess my mind can't
grasp that your gone! Wish we could have had more time Baby Girl!